Screwing with your head

Someone asked me today when my due date is. I told them, "today". So now in 4/5 weeks when I'm still around, they'll be confused and scratch their heads. Since I get this question at least 5 times a day at work, my new answer will always be, "today" now that I saw how fun it was to say it as my answer once today.

I'm so sick of answering the endless stream of questions. It's never ending. Why are people so ridiculously nosey about a pregnant woman? I walked into the lunchroom quietly and unspoken to 1000 times last year. This year, I hear Mission Impossible music as I try to make it from my desk to the bathroom and to the ice machine on the way back before I'm felt up or questioned to death by 3 people.

I'm sick of people pointing out that I'm waddling. Don't you think I fucking know that I'm waddling? What, you think that I'm walking like this for your entertainment? Do you think that pointing it out to me and laughing is serving any purpose other than to elevate you from douche bag to value size douche bag?

I'm sick of people asking me if I'm planning to breast feed...while staring at my rack while they speak the question. Why are you asking me that? Are you hungry? Do you need a visual for when you jerk off? Did your mommy not love you when you were a child?

I'm sick of people asking me if I'm delivering vaginally or by c-section. WHAT THE FUCK? Do you really need to know that? Can I ask you if your husband's dick is circumcised or not? Jesus Christ, people!

I'm sick of people asking me how I'm holding up in this heat. Well. It's hot. I'm 200 pounds now or damn close to it. I've got a 4 pound transverse watermelon hitching a ride on my pelvis. How the fuck do you think I'm holding up? Now get out of my way so I can get into the air conditioning.

I'm sick of people sticking their fingers into my stomach while I walk down a hallway and then laughing in a Butthead type fashion while telling me they can't believe how hard my stomach is. OK, now can I reach down your husband's pants uninvited and let you know that I can't believe how hard HE is?

I'm sick of people watching every bite I take and making comments in baby talk about my food. "Oh baby wants banana does she?" Um, no you fucking moron. Baby just wants amniotic fluid these days. Her mother wants a banana and why do you have to have a running commentary on every morsel I put into my mouth? I enter the lunch room every day and 5 heads immediately turn to see what I'm eating and then comment on how the baby must be hungry today.

I'm taking a week of vacation next week to spend a solid week with my son before he isn't just my only child anymore and before he starts school. I can't tell you how badly I am in need of a week away from these idiots that I work with.

People suck.