I’m 10 days off of the juice now. The “juice” being my post partum Rx for Wellbutrin. I’m handling it ok thus far. I haven’t physically harmed anyone or myself. I’m horribly tired and sluggish and I lack a will to get up and move much, but it’s not as bad as I was expecting it would be. I’ve also gained 4 lbs from the sluggishness and the amount of cokes and coffees that I’ve convinced myself that I deserve to help get me through this.
I actually had 3 months left on the Rx and at my visit for my UTI on Thursday last week, my doctor offered to refill the Wellbutrin script if I felt that I needed it, but I figured that now is as good of a time as any.
Since I grew up with a bipolar dad and my husband is bipolar and I have a vagina, I can get a Wellbutrin script easy so I figured that if I needed it, I could easily get it. In fact, my husband’s psychiatrist once told me that being the caretaker of a mentally ill spouse qualifies me for access to all kinds of fabulous mind altering drugs if I wanted them.
But really? I’m sure that the lowest dose of Wellbutrin available was doing little more for me other than acting as a placebo. If it didn’t come with all the nasty side effects, what I’d really like again is some hard core Paxil. Now that stuff doesn’t play around. My life was like running through fields of daisies in a while flouncy gown when I was on that stuff. But I also didn’t have an orgasm for the entire 2 years I was on Paxil…not that I cared at the time, because I didn’t care about anything! I remember attempting orgasm several times and after trying for 15 minutes getting nowhere just being like, “meh, who needs it anyway”.
Wellbutrin did little more than just take the edge off and it did help tremendously with those “oh my god what have I done please someone come and take this baby away because it’s ruined my life” type of feelings that come in the first few post partum weeks.
Other than my Nuvaring, I’m drug free. Woot Woot! Well, no, I lied. I do still have some Ambien in a bottle and I take one of those every other week or so. But for the most part, I’m all natural right now…which is nice and fun and exciting, but scary too. If my husband goes missing…
Monday, October 18, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Pee Hole
When I was 3 going on 4, I had something major wrong with my bladder. To this day I’m not sure what the name of the condition was or what it all involved, but my very first real memories of my life begin with the pain of whatever this condition was.
To the best of my knowledge it involved me having constant Urinary Tract Infections one after the other and not being able to be potty trained because something was wrong with the muscles of my bladder. My mother lived through this without the assistance of Dr. Google, so even interviewing her doesn’t supply much more information. Whatever the issue was, it culminated with me having a Bladder Augmentation wherein my bladder size was manually increased in some kind of way that no one has ever been able to fully explain to me and is probably the reason that in adulthood I can drink all day long and only pee once or twice.
When this was all said and done I was left with a 30% loss of my kidney function. I still wet the bed throughout my childhood and even wet it once while sleeping at a friend’s house. I had to wear absorbent underwear and bring spare underwear with me to school through the 3rd grade. I once peed all over myself on the school bus in what I think was Kindergarten because an 8th grader tickled me.
The purpose of me writing this down is because I wanted to write down the very first memory that I have in my life. I can’t recall anything ever happening in my life before this moment. The memory is of me on the operating table. I was four years old. The sedation began wearing off just a few minutes earlier than what my doctor would have preferred and I was laying face down on the table while my catheters were being taped to my back (I was notorious for ripping out my catheters, so the tubes always had to be hidden from me). And I remember crying for my mom. Not screaming, but just crying softly for my mom and my Urologist telling me that it was almost over and that he would take me to my mom.
After that memory I can see cousins coming to see me in the hospital and a few other things but that one moment is the first memory of this life.
Sometimes I wonder what Luke’s first memory is or will be. I look at Shelby and wonder what hers will be and when it will happen and will I be a part of it. Something tells me that what was wrong with my bladder was more serious than my mother ever let me be aware of.
I got a Urinary Tract Infection this week. It was the first one that I’ve had in years and years and it hurt like a bitch and the physical feelings brought back all of these memories. My Urologist has moved far away, but I plan to contact him and see about getting copies of my medical records so that I can finally know the actual name of whatever was wrong with me back then.
I know this is a random blog entry so just go with it and humor me.
To the best of my knowledge it involved me having constant Urinary Tract Infections one after the other and not being able to be potty trained because something was wrong with the muscles of my bladder. My mother lived through this without the assistance of Dr. Google, so even interviewing her doesn’t supply much more information. Whatever the issue was, it culminated with me having a Bladder Augmentation wherein my bladder size was manually increased in some kind of way that no one has ever been able to fully explain to me and is probably the reason that in adulthood I can drink all day long and only pee once or twice.
When this was all said and done I was left with a 30% loss of my kidney function. I still wet the bed throughout my childhood and even wet it once while sleeping at a friend’s house. I had to wear absorbent underwear and bring spare underwear with me to school through the 3rd grade. I once peed all over myself on the school bus in what I think was Kindergarten because an 8th grader tickled me.
The purpose of me writing this down is because I wanted to write down the very first memory that I have in my life. I can’t recall anything ever happening in my life before this moment. The memory is of me on the operating table. I was four years old. The sedation began wearing off just a few minutes earlier than what my doctor would have preferred and I was laying face down on the table while my catheters were being taped to my back (I was notorious for ripping out my catheters, so the tubes always had to be hidden from me). And I remember crying for my mom. Not screaming, but just crying softly for my mom and my Urologist telling me that it was almost over and that he would take me to my mom.
After that memory I can see cousins coming to see me in the hospital and a few other things but that one moment is the first memory of this life.
Sometimes I wonder what Luke’s first memory is or will be. I look at Shelby and wonder what hers will be and when it will happen and will I be a part of it. Something tells me that what was wrong with my bladder was more serious than my mother ever let me be aware of.
I got a Urinary Tract Infection this week. It was the first one that I’ve had in years and years and it hurt like a bitch and the physical feelings brought back all of these memories. My Urologist has moved far away, but I plan to contact him and see about getting copies of my medical records so that I can finally know the actual name of whatever was wrong with me back then.
I know this is a random blog entry so just go with it and humor me.
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