I'm Drug Free, So Put the Crack Up

I’m 10 days off of the juice now. The “juice” being my post partum Rx for Wellbutrin. I’m handling it ok thus far. I haven’t physically harmed anyone or myself. I’m horribly tired and sluggish and I lack a will to get up and move much, but it’s not as bad as I was expecting it would be. I’ve also gained 4 lbs from the sluggishness and the amount of cokes and coffees that I’ve convinced myself that I deserve to help get me through this.

I actually had 3 months left on the Rx and at my visit for my UTI on Thursday last week, my doctor offered to refill the Wellbutrin script if I felt that I needed it, but I figured that now is as good of a time as any.

Since I grew up with a bipolar dad and my husband is bipolar and I have a vagina, I can get a Wellbutrin script easy so I figured that if I needed it, I could easily get it. In fact, my husband’s psychiatrist once told me that being the caretaker of a mentally ill spouse qualifies me for access to all kinds of fabulous mind altering drugs if I wanted them.

But really? I’m sure that the lowest dose of Wellbutrin available was doing little more for me other than acting as a placebo. If it didn’t come with all the nasty side effects, what I’d really like again is some hard core Paxil. Now that stuff doesn’t play around. My life was like running through fields of daisies in a while flouncy gown when I was on that stuff. But I also didn’t have an orgasm for the entire 2 years I was on Paxil…not that I cared at the time, because I didn’t care about anything! I remember attempting orgasm several times and after trying for 15 minutes getting nowhere just being like, “meh, who needs it anyway”.

Wellbutrin did little more than just take the edge off and it did help tremendously with those “oh my god what have I done please someone come and take this baby away because it’s ruined my life” type of feelings that come in the first few post partum weeks.

Other than my Nuvaring, I’m drug free. Woot Woot! Well, no, I lied. I do still have some Ambien in a bottle and I take one of those every other week or so. But for the most part, I’m all natural right now…which is nice and fun and exciting, but scary too. If my husband goes missing…