Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Whew!

Yep, I got The Sex. It was feverish, sick sex, so it was probably no good (Dr. Google wouldn't give me definitive answers on a fever's affect on sperm) on top of the fact that now I will probably get sick too, but at least I got the goods! Now if I can get it again tonight, we are set to have a real actual chance this cycle.

On a side note, it was late sex and I'm so tired, because when I woke him up for the sex he decided it was the perfect time to confess something that had happened at work that day.

Ziggy has a long history of work issues, due to being bipolar. Bipolar plus career often do not go hand in hand. This is a topic I may blog about often, so prepare yourself with an open mind and tolerance towards the mentally challenged. He has trouble walking normal lines that normal people can walk. He is immensely brilliant and well educated and can land any job on earth, but he just has problems with rules and the following of those rules.

Fortunately, he has a job now that is very easy on his mental health, which he decided to take advantage of, and he wound up being written up yesterday for coming in late too often and taking 2 hour lunches too often. He's been there for about 4 years total and he's been warned about this often - GAH! He's an ass.

So he is now ashamed and embarrassed and ready to make ammends to the job and to me and please I pray that it's just not too late and that he doesn't get canned because...um...have you noticed the economy lately?

Heart palpatations begin. Prayers commence. Oh and him getting up earlier and taking shorter lunches truly only equals more work for ME! I had to get my own self up a half hour earlier to manage him getting up earlier and get him out the house and make him a brown bag lunch - phooey! I don't mind so much, and it was actually a really nice morning having him up with us and not us up and leaving before he was even up.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Disclaimer

The blog that preceded this one was truly a rant session. I'm not truly going that nuts and I actually feel a bit better just after having it written out - almost as though the writing of it validated the feelings. I don't want the Internet to deem me as totally bonkers in my first month of blogging!

You all are amazing and I truly thank you for the amazing support that you've shown me just minutes after posting the rant entry. Thank you thank you and of course I will update everyone tomorrow on whether or not I get a piece of ass tonight!

The Devil Came Down to Louisiana

Last night was night # 1 in our new (used) mattress set. I’m not sure if it was just the new bed or if it was the spirit of Lan (previous owner of bed, who is probably going to laugh, and then hit me at the fictional name chosen for her) that was infiltrating my brain, but I had two WILD dreams last night and both were so real and so vivid that I woke up confused.

Dream # 2 had to do with me becoming a lesbian and while it is very fun and probably much more entertaining than Dream # 1, I feel like talking about dream # 1 so that’s what we’re going to do.

Dream # 1 – I dreamt that I had a blog troll who left a comment on my blog telling me that the reason that I have not gotten pregnant yet is because I have no faith in God and that I’m a hypocrite and I’ll never get pregnant unless I commit my life to God and stop being a terrible sinner. It was a horrible mad comment and I remember seeing it as a whole paragraph and actually reading it and I remember everything it said.

I do know a possible reason for this dream occurring. A fellow football mom gave me a book called something like Supernatural Childbirth (I think that’s the title) and there is a specific chapter in there that begins on page 108 that is an entire 3 to 4 page long prayer to God regarding conception and being “barren”. I figured that I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point, and I do believe in the power of God, so I read the prayer last night before bed. I remember thinking while reading it that God would never bless me because I’m not good enough and I suck and I’m bad and blah blah blah, but I read the prayer anyway and I’m guessing this is where this dream originated.

Tonight is THE MOST FERTILE NIGHT OF THIS CYCLE and my damn husband just emailed me this mamby pamby email that he is getting sick and thinks he has a sinus infection and wah wah wah and DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so damn sick of this bullshit. I pump massive amounts of artificial hormones into my body, monitor my body all month long, fret over everything I put in my mouth, and ALL I ASK OF HIM is to have sex on 3 or 4 nights that I need him to, and I swear that every single month, there is something that prevents us from having sex during the most important days and I swear to GOD that if he doesn’t do it tonight I very well may have an actual truly really REAL nervous breakdown.

Last cycle, there was that little ole fucker named Gustav that ruined it for us. The cycle before that was Ziggy’s end of quarter at work and he was stressed and working 70 hour weeks and collapsing by time he got home. The cycle before that, my sister was put on bed rest and living with us and it’s really hard to have boom boom when you’re up getting ice chips all night long and your bed ridden sister is in a room down the hall. Oh I can keep going…EVERY cycle has been SOMETHING. Everything will be fine and then Ovulation week comes and BAM – it all goes to SHIT and then as soon as I finish ovulating, it’s magically delicious again.

And people say “relax” and it will happen. “Stop trying” and then it will happen. NO! See, I have a physical condition that will NEVER allow it to “just happen”. Maybe when I was 20 and weighed 30 pounds less and was still young enough, even with my condition, it maybe could just happen, but not now, not anymore. And I’m just so sick of this – so sick of the trying and the fighting and the begging and pleading with God and the feelings of desperation that get so intense that you question the existence of your faith and your God, and you question your inner strength and wonder if you could even still resist the temptation if the devil himself sat on the edge of your bed and promised you a pregnancy in exchange of your soul.

And I’m sorry if I sound like a raging mad lunatic, but this is my blog and this is how I feel and I’m obviously hormonal thanks to the 100’s of milligrams that I purposely pumped into my body to create this very occurrence, and if you tell me to “relax” or “let go” or anything like that, I may bust a cap in your ass at this point so please tread lightly. I’ll let you know tomorrow how tonight goes. This is it – tonight and tomorrow night and that’s all the chances I get for month # 13 before it’s over and I get to begin the arduous task of building up my hopes for month # 14.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

My new enemy, Charley

For about the past month now, I have woken up 5 out of 7 nights with excruciating Charley Horses in my calves...sometimes just one calf and sometimes both. I cannot pin point the reason.

According to Dr. Google, these occur either from dehydration or lack of potassium. I checked my vitamins - they contain 100% of the daily recommended value for potassium, so I'm good there. I drink ALOT and I actually drink a lot of water or water-esque drinks. I looked up my Rx's (metformin and Clomid) and I can't find anything about either one causing Charley Horses or causing a potassium deficiency.

I'm perplexed. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Old wives tales? Miracle tonics? Assvice? I'm open ears!

Other than that, all is quiet on the homefront - I have ALOT of chores to accomplish before my son returns from his dad's house, including setting up the Halloween white trash lawn ornaments that he has begged for us to buy for two years...we bought them this weekend to surprise him. So I'm just all over the place.

I've had no chance of truly creating life this cycle just yet - Ziggy had the anxiety problem last night and after a half hour I was just too tired to keep going so we quit for the night. SOOOOO frustrating. EVERY ovulation week is exactly like this and then he's perfect for the entire rest of the month. However, it was a really good time and we actually bonded and talked for a while after (I cried) and it was a nice evening anyway (*note-NOT easy to find bright sides in this*)

According to the OV Watch manual, I had a 13% chance if we had sex last night and then I have a 13% chance today, a 28% chance tomorrow, a 26% chance on Tuesday and then a 5% chance on Wednesday (actual ovulation day). So I'm not out - not by a long shot - yet - but dang it, if I could just get a shot or two of the good stuff in there, I sure would be feeling much more hopeful.

Last night's all you can eat bbq and cabbage ball was a bust. The "all you can eat bbq" turned out to be a few hamburgers that were gone by time we arrived, because Ziggy forces us to be fashionably late everywhere we go - he's a total chic. So we had to eat weiners. The cabbageball turned out to be volleyball, and my crush, Coach, was fighting with his wife, and decided to just get drunk and hang out with other Coaches. Truly no fun was to be had.

So bring on the Charley Horse suggestions if you have any and please keep on keeping on with the conception prayers/vibes/chants - whatever you've got.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Oh WOW!




YOU SEE THAT????
Not only is it Fertile Day 1, but it's also ONLY CD12!!! The very earliest that I have EVER ovulated is CD20 - oh happy day!!

Now, here comes the hard part - the sex. As usual, my husband and I had tons o sex over the past couple weeks and he's been in a fabulous mood and life was grand. Now I wake up to this, and he, as usual, has A LOT going on right now that could prevent the Sex.

I can't go into much detail because I have a house to clean right now and should be cleaning, but please just keep on praying, chanting or whatever it is you've been doing for me, because it is obviously working. I need the Sex as much as possible over the next 4 days and it may take quite the effort on my part to seduce my husband. I don't have one of those men who will screw when the wind blows up their shorts - my husband requires some skill in the fine art of coercion, particularly if he finds out that my watch says what it says. He must be woo'd without it appearing desperate. He must feel like he suddenly married a nympho without putting two and two together and realizing that I am just lusting for his seed.

In other words - my husband will have the sex passionately IF he has no notion that it is for reproduction purposes. And it's not that he doesn't want a baby - he wants one more than I do on most days. It's that once he knows it is for reproduction, something in his head overtakes him and he just can't do it. The doctor says it's performance anxiety and I just say that it's maddening!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Self Love leads to problems...

I'm going to have so much free time at work to sit and stare at ceilings that I don't know what to do! Some jack ass was busted in the act of self-love whilst admiring online porn and now my company is taking the internet away from the masses...totally. We will all have "approved" websites that we can visit, and I'm positive that my blog, MySpace, Twitter, TWW and all of your wonderfully entertaining blogs will NOT be in the approved list. BAH!!

I've worked there for almost 10 years and this isn't the first time they've done something rash like this - it's kind of like the "no eating at your desk rule". *inserts cookie into mouth while sitting at desk* See what I mean? So in a few months, I'm sure you'll see me more often during working hours - I just have to lay low for a while to keep up appearances that I am an extraordinary employee.

Luke won his real season football game last night - 12 to 7. :-)

My secret crush is still on with the possibility of great fun updates this weekend - it's the annual all you can eat bbq and cabbageball event at the playground! Just the theme alone leads me to believe that it shall be a raucous occasion! Nothing like a bunch of rednecks and beer and bbq and cabbageball to bring out the wild in everyone! Other than that, contact has been minimal, particularly since I don't purposefully seek him out and most of the time, he's just the kid's coach and I'm the kid's mom.

He and my husband plotted together this week to put my son's helmet stickers on upside down on purpose to see if they could get a rise out of me, because that is something that normally would aggravate me enough to confront the coach about. That's what they do - they plot together to see if they can push me over the edge - like 2nd graders! The joke was on them though because I was too tired that evening to even care and I just ignored them (see Clomid Haze).

Oh and did I mention that I got tickled last weekend by Coach? Um, yeah, I was standing in a door way and he came up behind me and gave me a solid tickle on his way out the door. It was one of those quick side tickles and nothing to write home about - BUT - I have thumb print bruises on both of my love handles! AH! (disclaimer - I bruise extremely easy, so the smallest tickle has always given me bruises) Ziggy asked what happened and I told him that he "must have been grippin on too hard the other night". And then he beamed with a look of male pride and made a gorilla noise and everyone was happy. Men are such simple creatures and I love him.

Our O days are a little more than a week away - so please keep up the prayers and good vibes! I've been having these daytime fantasies about how I would tell Ziggy that I was pregnant and how wonderful of a father he will be - and I just hate to even say this, but I have this great feeling about this month.

Randomness:
A lady came to the ballpark last night in rhinestone studded jeans and a hot pink rhinestone studded tank top and 100 pounds of makeup. She sat and drank beer from a styrofoam cup and smoked cigarettes and said the "F" word ALL night. So why couldn't I stop staring at her? Well, honestly, she was remarkably gorgeous - not make up gorgeous - but really really gorgeous - I mean just absolutely stunning from head to toe even beyond the nastiness. I felt so mad at her. If I was 10% as gorgeous as she was, I surely wouldn't dress/act/talk like trash. What a waste, and it made me so sad that she felt that she needed to look/dress/act like that to be beautiful when she already was so so gorgeous.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Clomid Haze

Forgive me for not posting - I've been in my Clomid Haze. Last night was my last dose for this month - you know - I just swallow the pills for shits and giggles because seeing them actually assist me in getting knocked up seems more ludicrous with each passing month.

Anywho, during the 5 days that I actually take the Clomid, I go into this weird fog of a world - not much matters to me, but everything (EVERYTHING) annoys me. I'm needy and yet want to be left alone and I'm sad, yet ridiculously bouncy. It's annoying to me, so I have to imagine that it's downright maddening to those around me.

If you have any prayers or angels or voodoo magic (we're not choosy!) that you would like to lend or extend on behalf of our reproductive organs, Ziggy and I would greatly appreciate it.

In the meantime, the only other thing going on is football, football and then a little more football. Luke has either practice or a game for 5 straight days which means that our greasy bodies are running on a diet of corn dogs, spagetti-O's, pizza rolls, McDonalds and whatever else is fast and quick and gets us out the door. Luke actually eats the healthiest right now since I pack his lunches full of good things - but beyond his lunch, we are just gross this week.

And so here I sit - still pissy and moody from the Clomid and fat and greasy with bad food gassiness. But life is good and who knows, maybe October will be our lucky/blessed month!

Monday, September 22, 2008

I'm crushin...

I know it's been a while since I posted - forgive me. I've been trying to figure out how to word this post correctly to ensure the least amount of frowns and disapproving eyes.

Here it is - I have learned the power that a crush can have on your marriage...for the better, people!

See, I have this really strange crush - it is on a man who is NOT attractive at all. No, seriously - I have no physical attraction to him - NONE. But for some reason, I constantly find myself crushing on this guy to a point where I have had dreams about him. Anyone that I have told about this crush has either laughed at me or made nasty "ew" faces at me.

So why do I crush on him? No clue. I would NEVER cheat on my husband or even think about cheating on him. In fact, the crush is totally non-sexual. I've never had a sexual thought about this man - ever! (Except that one dream...but I can't be held responsible for that, right?!) It's just a crush as in - he has a fabulous sense of humor and he's a good time and I love to be around him kind of thing - he is wildly funny and the life of the party and he cracks my husband up too, and we both just love the guy. I just love to be around him...not "alone" around him - just around him in general.

So this weekend - I spent an unusual amount of time with or near or in some vicinity as him. On Saturday night, we had a girls' night out for all the football moms, and his wife was with us, so he wound up being a regular part of the conversation. Then on Sunday there was a barbecue at another football mom's house and he was there the whole time. Add in a little football, some hot grilled meat and a beer or two - and it was a damn good time! It may have been the best time that Ziggy and I have had together with a group of other couples in a long damn time.

Mr. Crush loves to mess/flirt with me because I'm a moron who blushes uncontrollably and embarrasses easily, and I guess this is fun for him. It's totally innocent, so don't fret. Anyway, this flirting that he does with me - or this "joshing" that he does - must be a totally huge turn on for...MY HUSBAND. I don't know why - maybe because some other dog is sniffing his hydrant, but he has been all over me - huggin, kissin, holdin hands, complimentin - being sweet with me.

In turn, the joking/flirting has given me this unusual self esteem boost (I'm normally the low self esteem title holder) and I feel kind of good lately - a bit prettier - a bit spunkier - a bit...dare I say...sexier. And my husband reaps all the benefits of that.

And here I am now at work doing something I have NOT done in a long time - I'm longing for my husband! Literally, longing for Ziggy - the way I did when we first started dating. I just want to talk to him or text or email or be together in any kind of way that I can and I'm feeling all giddy about when I will see him in a few hours after work. I'm actually giddy with anticipation of being next to him, my husband, again. WTF?

These feelings are NOT normal - my marriage is very comfortable and relaxed - sure we love each other, but we passed up those puppy love days years ago. We're now more like close business partners who have sex a couple times a week and know each other's secrets. I honestly don't even think I felt like this on my actual wedding day - but now I do!

What the hell? I can't explain it - but all I know is that I can thank my son's football coach for not only teaching my son the perfect 3-point stance - but for also pouring a little spice into my marriage???

I've read in magazines before that a little careful crush can actually help a marriage - but I never believed it until now.

Must. Get. Work. Done.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Bragalicious

My son is huge for his age - not fat, just a big boy. He's always been the tallest in his class since Pre-K4 and the size of his feet are almost 2 full sizes bigger than the other kids in his class. Sometimes I wonder where this came from. His father is about 6'1 with small feet and my father is actually only about 5'10. My dad does have one freakishly tall brother coming in at 6'5, so I'm guessing this is who my son is taking after (that uncle is gay though, so hopefully Luke won't take THAT much after him...know what I mean).

Last year, Luke became infatuated with sports. He played football, then basketball, then soccer and then baseball. It was exhausting. I spent a year of my life literally at the playground - but we loved it. Being a total dork myself, it's so great to see my child be a "jock", and we made a lot of new friends for both us and for Luke. Luke's own father is more of the gamer type who spent high school behind his Nintendo controllers, so the jock part is something new to all of us.

His father doesn't attend much of his practices (more like none of his practices) and rarely comes to games unless the game coincides with "his" time with Luke. Ziggy has taken over beautifully for Luke. Ziggy is at every practice, Ziggy practices with him in the yard at home, Ziggy handles his equipment (thank god, because I'm clueless), Ziggy stands on the sidelines at games, Ziggy has Luke's sports photos all over his desk at work. When I get really angry with my husband, I try to remember those moments that make me so happy with the man I chose for Luke to grow up with. Even the coaches and other parents are usually shocked when I tell them that Ziggy, in fact, is not Luke's father. I don't even know if Luke even owns a ball at his dad's house - know what I mean?

Football and basketball seem to be the two sports that Luke is really taking to and enjoys and is excelling in and has some raw talent towards. He is a coaches dream, because he's like Rudy (just a much bigger Rudy). The kid tries and listens harder than any kid out there - like he's hungry for it and wants it more than the other kids.

Last year, his football position was Center. They started him off as Center again this year because he's the only kid that learned and practiced over the year how to do a "pass spike" or whatever it's called where the Center spikes the ball to the quarterback in the air rather than just handing it to him.

Last night the coach's wife told me - "Dave (coach) said that Luke is the best center that he's ever seen at this age." Oh gawd - I was so proud I nearly cried. However, Luke's freakishly large size may dash his dreams of being Center for LSU - for now anyway. Coach pulled Ziggy aside last night and told Ziggy that due to the sheer size of my son, putting him in the Center position would be a waste of his size, so he has to make him Left Guard this year because Luke is one of the only kids big enough to handle a guard position (his friend Jonathan, the other biggest kid on the team will be Right Guard).

Fabulous. My kid gets to basically be the brut force - the hitter and the one hit. The guard's job is basically just to be huge and knock people down...but seeing that he's one of the two that can knock down and still remain on his feet, this is his new position. I mean, it does carry other skills like correctly creating pockets for the quarterback to run through and stuff like that, but for the most part (from a mom's line of vision) it's just all about being big and knocking people down.

Of course I'm all proud that he has displayed enough talent for more than one position. The coach said that once the other kids start catching up to Luke's size, hopefully by 9 or 10, then Luke will probably wind up as Center again. (According to Luke, Center is "way cooler" because they get to touch the ball every offensive play and the plays start on the Center).

But for now, it looks like I'll need to pack ice packs and be doing a lot of warm soaks in the tub - after one scrimmage as Left Guard, he has bruises up and down his upper arms. He's just so thrilled to be in the game and very rarely gets put on the bench, so if getting beaten up is what it takes, then Luke is happy to do it.

And so for the next three months, I will be totally in love with the sight of my boy in his uniform and the sight of my man being a great dad and losing my voice hollering "GO GATORS!" from the sideline as though it was a professional game.

Oh and lastly, I texted Luke's dad to tell him the Center compliment that Coach's wife told me and this was his response, "Yeah, I bet they tell every kids' parents something like that every year." BASTARD! See, he honestly doesn't think that Luke has any kind of real talent in sports and the bastard is actually very vocal about it. Our theory is that he's just jealous that his son is way cooler than him already at the wee age of 7.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Kill me now....

Voicemail from Auntee M:

"Hello Sandy, this is your favorite Aunt. Please call me back when you have at least 5 minutes to talk to me because I have 3 very important questions to ask you."

Oh God, please - kill me now.

I called back (after 2 hours of convincing myself that I absolutely had to and couldn't pretend that I didn't get the voicemail, because then she would just call again).

Note to sister - I partially loathe you for birthing preemie twins and forcing the crazy family members out of their caves and thrusting them upon the rest of us.

So, here it is:

Question 1: "How come every time I call your sister's cell phone, her husband answers? Does she hate me for some reason that I don't know about and doesn't want to talk to me? Why can't I ever talk to HER?"

(note that question 1 involved 3 questions)

Response 1: "No, Auntee M, that's how it is with everyone now. Since she was on bed rest my sister has become incapable of managing any task without her husband's approval/assistance and therefore can not answer her own cell phone anymore, and this causes nasty thoughts on the part of her sisters and her mother as well. She has given her husband complete control of her life and tries to allow him to control ours also and if it wasn't for the tiny babies that we all love, we wouldn't put up with such bull shit."

Question 2: "Are you mad at me, because I saw that you kept giving me nasty looks at the shower."

Ah...now this one is tough and will involve a Response 2 that existed only in my head and a Response 2 that actually occurred.

Response 2 (in my head): "It's not that I'm mad at you, I just don't like you. You are obnoxiously loud and you dominate every conversation you are in. You yacked and gabbed through the entire shower to a point where people couldn't hear themselves think. Your shrill voice hurts my ear drums and that face I was making was an attempt to close my ears off."

Response 2 (actual): "Noooooo, nothing was wrong with you. I just hate showers. I hated my own shower (truth) and I was just anxious for the whole thing to be over with. I was exhausted from the HOURS of Gustav clean up I had done that morning (truth) and was just ready to be done."

Question 3 was actually just asking what Luke wanted for his upcoming birthday, so it's not fun enough to continue.

I love my family.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Riding a Harley

As noted yesterday - I was dead on about the PMS - it's CD 1 - period day!!! WOO HOO! I celebrated with a big fat 20oz Coca Cola Classic (I give up caffeine during my luteal phase like a good lil momma should).

Why am I so excited? Well, I had a 32 day cycle! That's miraculous. The onset of today's period is a hilarious story to tell, but first I feel the need to share a tid bit o background for my new friends.

I have PCOS and was told at the age of 22 that I may never bear children. At the time, I was in a sexual relationship with a man that I had no intention of marrying, much less spending more than 3 months with. He was a great friend, but not a good lay AT ALL and definitely not till death do us part. (Don't judge, you know you've had at least one relationship like that.)

Since I had been told I was infertile and had 4 month long irregular cycles anyway, I relied on the pull out method for birth control (and yes people, someone as stupid as me did actually graduate valedictorian. Brains do not = common sense). But I WAS sincerely upset about the infertile verdict because someday I knew I would want to be a mom. Being an uber Christian at the time (yes, uber Christians have pre-marital sex too) I discussed the doctor's visit with my Bible Study Group that very night after the doctor appointment.

The beautiful women of my study group (who of course had no idea I would be having aforementioned pre-marital sex later on that same night!) decided that what I needed was for them to lay their hands on my ovaries and pray for me. So me, being a person who loathes random touch, laid there and let 8 women touch my ovaries and pray over me. And it felt good (not in a creepy way). I mean that I felt something - something spiritual occur. I left that night with my freshly blessed ovaries and had sex.

3 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant, so don't ever try to battle me on the power of prayer, folks and I KNOW that it was that night that it happened because this guy and I didn't do it very often. This is why I know that Luke is such a miracle and I actually don't share that story often.

Fast forward 8 years, and here I am, trying to create life with a man that I love and am actually married to. And I can't.

With the help of Clomid and Metformin - I have finally managed to ovulate for 2 consecutive cycles and both cycles lasted under 40 days - this is huge for me. HUGE. This is the closest I've come all year to the creation of life even being a remote possibility.

I use the OV Watch to help detect my fertile days, and wouldn't you effin know it - the watch said "Fertile Day 1" on the day we evacuated for Gustav - the same day that we spent the next 4 nights sleeping in a king size bed with my 8 year old son. I've done some oogy things in my life, but that's just too oogy for me. So I knew that I had absolutely NOOOOO chance of conceiving this month - but a real and regular cycle is pretty bitchin in and of itself.

Which leads me to lunch. I knew it was coming. When you hit 30 and you've been trying to conceive for a year, you know your body better than you know the alphabet. It was lunch and I had to drop off Luke's football equipment to my mother in law. When I got to her house - there it was.

Here's a small extra piece of info about Sandy before I go on - I believe that tampons are the devil. I. Can. Not. Put. One. In. If I attempt to insert a tampon, I get dizzy and vomit - I have NOOOO idea what my problem is and I know that it's queer and I'm retarded, but I just can't do it so leave me alone and don't make fun of me. If it isn't encased in flesh, it ain't going up there...know what I mean?

So...I had to ask my mother in law for a pad. Of course she didn't have one, seeing that she's almost 60 and had a hysterectomy 20 years ago, so she went digging in Ziggy's sister's room. Nothing but tampons. FRICK FRACK!

I decided to give the tampon a whirl. The room spun and vomit came. (I think in a past life, I was stoned to death with tampon casings or something, because my fear of them is just totally bizarre.)

When I walked out, she asked if I was ok and I told her that I just couldn't do it (strange look ensued) and that I had just stuck some toilet paper in there until I could get back to work where I have a lovely pad in my drawer.

And that's when I made a bad decision...she says, "oh well no no no, don't do that, here I have something...you can use one of Jim's pads." And she hands me a big thick white pad reminiscent of those that I wore in 1991 - you know - the huge mamba jambas that we wore before "thin" or "ultra" came about. See...my father in law had his prostate removed in December of last year, and this pad...this...was a bladder control pad (a Poise pad) because he still "leaks" a bit.

So, I walked out of my mother in laws house with this gigantic Harley of a pad between my legs - my father in law's pad at that! And as I walked out - HE KNEW! She must have gone in the other room and told him. Maybe he's a pad counter and she was making sure he knew why one was missing? I have no idea - but she told him - and he walked out of the room and asked why I was walking so funny and then laughed and went back into the other room.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

So, yes, I got a regular pad on now. I've got my coke. I've got my new watch battery for my OV Watch and a spankin new thermometer, and a whole box of my OWN pads, and here we go guys....who feels like laying their hands on my ovaries in about 2 weeks??

Monday, September 15, 2008

What the hell?

I'm so freakin pissy today. I alternate between homicidal thoughts towards anyone who enters my office, and just wanting to be curled into a ball and crying. I have totally logical reasons for these feelings and yet my mind just can't be convinced that it's just today and it will pass. I'm sitting here and dooming and glooming over EVERYTHING today.

What the hell is my problem?

I think it has to do with the lack of sleep last night. Our electricity went out AGAIN last night for 7 hours! We were woken up at 1:00am by Luke (oops, now you know his name - bah! who cares) running down the hall crying, "I have to pee and I can't see!!!"....which is actually kind of humorous now that I think about it. It came back on at 7:50am this morning, but of course it meant wheeling out the hunk-a-mamma generator and cranking that bitch up so that I don't lose the $200 of groceries that I JUST restocked the fridge/freezer with yesterday...and then pumping gas into 5 gallon containers at 3:00am for the generator while Ziggy got the fridge and window a/c unit plugged in, and then trying to sleep with the sound of the generator which is like trying to sleep at the airport.

Add on top of that a large helping of PMS on a Monday - and it's Clomid cycle PMS which is TOTALLY worse than your normal PMS - trust me, I know.

And I HATE when I feel like this, because I know how truly lucky and blessed I am (note the title of my blog) - this is one of my forgetful days. I mean, I have a house - it's damaged from Gustav way more than we thought it was and now requires an insurance claim, but it's a nice big lovely house. I'm not pregnant, but I have a gorgeous, bright, sweet, jock of a son who will be trying out for a linebacker position on his football team tonight. I have a healthy (physically, NOT mentally) happy family for the most part and there is food in the fridge. What more could I want? I feel like a yiney whiney turd but I just can't shake it. So I apologize for wah wah'ing all over the place today.

But I'm taking today and a whiney day and will hopefully be back in good spirits tomorrow.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Old Aunts and Tiny Babies

What a weekend. I was able to touch and see my tiny nephews again. J was born weighing in at 2lb 10oz and S was born weighing in at 2lb 13oz. They were just born on 9/9. I'm so happy that they are finally here and I truly hope to be a huge part of their lives. My oldest sister lives very far away, so her 2 children are almost strangers to me, even though I'm much closer to her than to the sister who lives near me. I want to be a bigger part of the new babies' lives.

My sister's baby shower was yesterday and thank GAWD that is over. I'm a recluse by nature. If I had the ability to email and text, I often feel that I would be truly happy on a deserted island for months at a time. I loathe kissing anyone other than my husband and son and I absolutely abhor hugging anyone other than the same two. So being the host of a baby shower is like - hell for me. Absolute hell. The hugging. The kissing. The idle chit chat. The being nice to people.

BLAH!

But it's over.

*Written hours later - I had at this point in my blog post, posted a whole 'nother 4 paragraphs about my cutting grass adventure and the odd tortoise we found living in our backyard - and then - I friggin lost it. The weather got bad and knocked me out of my internet service and son of a beyotch, I lost the rest of my post and this is all it saved.

I'm not going back and re-writing it all - my thoughts are not as fun when they are re-written or edited. So, I apologize in advance that this post is rather sucky and will try harder tomorrow.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Nunya

I'm tired of Politics. I'm tired of every Twitter friend that I have constantly Twittering about their chosen candidate or the "devil" of a candidate that they dislike. I'm tired of MySpace friends posting bulletins about their chosen candidate. I'm tired of the extreme people who think that the world will end if either candidate gets chosen. I'm tired of those same people who think the world will magically get fixed if one candidate wins.

Don't get me wrong - I am a voter and always have been. I have a fairly strong opinion on who I plan to vote for - which is nunya - as in - nunya business. That's my point - I wish that politics would become more of a private thing.

Don't ask me who I plan to vote for because just like my intimate life with my husband or my prayer life with my God - it's nunya. Although my intimate life with my husband has a better chance of coming up in daily conversation than my political beliefs because I have a filthy mind....bwahahaha!

Besides - voting is fixed anyway. There. I said it. And I believe it.

On a side note - if I make it through my sister's baby shower tomorrow without bitch slapping my crazy Auntee M - I should get an award.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Piss List

In lieu of the weekly belly shots that I can NOT post (unless you get hot and bothered seeing 30 year old flabby bellies) - I'm going to try something that will satisfy ME equally as much.

Top THREE Things That Have Royally Pissed Me Off This Week Thus Far
(narrowing it down to 3 is very difficult)

1.) My boss is on his period and therefore is suddenly not speaking to me again. This will last a few days and it happens at least once a month. It freaks me out and causes me to obsess over what I may have done wrong, or am I about to get fired? It's the co-dependant dweeb inside of me who equates everyone ELSE's emotions into how they feel about ME. So I sit for days constantly thinking about why he is so mad at me. Reality = he's probably hung over or simply trying to avoid actual work so he's in hiding. But I can't convince my mind of this so I'm constantly seeking out his attention. I think I need therapy for this one.

2.) I didn't take my metformin the entire week during/after Gustav and now that I am taking it again, I have constant, never ending, unrelenting - shits. All the initial side effects that "go away with continued treatment" that ended months ago are now back. I can't sneeze without being afraid that I might shit my pants...add on the lack of groceries in my home and the irregular eating pattern that I fell into this week and I'm surprised I am venturing out the house without the protection of adult diapers. I'm a jackass.

3.) FEMA is not paying for our generator as they originally said they would. Supposedly my husband's bipolar diagnosis doesn't fall into the category of "medical necessity" as defined by the federal government. Bastards! Their punishment should be to have to live WITH my bipolar husband for a week with no electricity and I guarantee it would only take them 2 days to pay for that generator if it meant they could get away from him.

So, there you have it - those are 3 of the things that pissed in my cornflakes this morning. I feel WAY better now. It's so wonderful just to be able to vent. Wanna share what's pissing in your cornflakes? Comment and go for it!

Anonymous

To be or not to be - Anonymous? That's the question I've been struggling with since creating this blog yesterday. If I remain anonymous then I can bitch for hours on end about every annoying human in my life (and there are PLENTY). What great fun that could be! I could be totally candid and honest about every little thing that I could never really get to say normally out loud.

Point for Anonymous.

If I'm not anonymous and share the link to this blog with friends and select family then I could post photos (like you have no idea how bad I want to show you my sister's newborn twins right NOW) and I also wouldn't have to nickname everyone and remember what I nicknamed them.

Point for no anonymity.

Bah!

What to do?

For now, I think I will do the anonymous gig for a while so that I can finally get out all the stuff that I wish I could blog about on MySpace but never could. The people who "know" me here - as in know my real name, city, etc. are safe already, no one knows this exists and I can change my privacy settings and oh this will be so much fun - so 3 cheers for anonymous! Oh the posts that I could post about my evil co-workers. We're going to have SO much fun, dear blog-o-mine!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Let me think....

I'm trying to think of something that is actually blog-worthy to write down.

There's so much I could talk about.

Like the argument I had with Ziggy (nickname for my husband) last night over his friend at work that keeps emailing lesbian porn to our FAMILY email address.

Like the screwed up (yet again) cycle that I am in.

Like the fact that TODAY = the 1 year anniversary of the day that I threw out my birth control pills and 9,999,999,999 women are pregnant and I am NOT. (but I'm not bitter or anything-haha!)

Like the list of 10 things that are totally annoying me today about the people at work in the already moody mood that I'm in.

Like the ten bajillion amazing things that Lil Lu (nickname for my son that he HATES) has said or done in the past 24 hours.

Bah! I'll just settle for this - if you are here reading this, then I love you for it already and I apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that is boring or offensive. My good friend Tiffany always told me that I don't have a filter on my mouth - and she's right. I call myself "SBD" - "Silent But Deadly" - I'm an extremely introverted person, but put keys to my fingers or a pen in my hand and I can not be held responsible for the carnage. :-)

More to come - and hopefully a photo or gadget or two, if I can figure that crap out.

I can't believe.....

I can't believe that I have created a blog.