The Devil Came Down to Louisiana

Last night was night # 1 in our new (used) mattress set. I’m not sure if it was just the new bed or if it was the spirit of Lan (previous owner of bed, who is probably going to laugh, and then hit me at the fictional name chosen for her) that was infiltrating my brain, but I had two WILD dreams last night and both were so real and so vivid that I woke up confused.

Dream # 2 had to do with me becoming a lesbian and while it is very fun and probably much more entertaining than Dream # 1, I feel like talking about dream # 1 so that’s what we’re going to do.

Dream # 1 – I dreamt that I had a blog troll who left a comment on my blog telling me that the reason that I have not gotten pregnant yet is because I have no faith in God and that I’m a hypocrite and I’ll never get pregnant unless I commit my life to God and stop being a terrible sinner. It was a horrible mad comment and I remember seeing it as a whole paragraph and actually reading it and I remember everything it said.

I do know a possible reason for this dream occurring. A fellow football mom gave me a book called something like Supernatural Childbirth (I think that’s the title) and there is a specific chapter in there that begins on page 108 that is an entire 3 to 4 page long prayer to God regarding conception and being “barren”. I figured that I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point, and I do believe in the power of God, so I read the prayer last night before bed. I remember thinking while reading it that God would never bless me because I’m not good enough and I suck and I’m bad and blah blah blah, but I read the prayer anyway and I’m guessing this is where this dream originated.

Tonight is THE MOST FERTILE NIGHT OF THIS CYCLE and my damn husband just emailed me this mamby pamby email that he is getting sick and thinks he has a sinus infection and wah wah wah and DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so damn sick of this bullshit. I pump massive amounts of artificial hormones into my body, monitor my body all month long, fret over everything I put in my mouth, and ALL I ASK OF HIM is to have sex on 3 or 4 nights that I need him to, and I swear that every single month, there is something that prevents us from having sex during the most important days and I swear to GOD that if he doesn’t do it tonight I very well may have an actual truly really REAL nervous breakdown.

Last cycle, there was that little ole fucker named Gustav that ruined it for us. The cycle before that was Ziggy’s end of quarter at work and he was stressed and working 70 hour weeks and collapsing by time he got home. The cycle before that, my sister was put on bed rest and living with us and it’s really hard to have boom boom when you’re up getting ice chips all night long and your bed ridden sister is in a room down the hall. Oh I can keep going…EVERY cycle has been SOMETHING. Everything will be fine and then Ovulation week comes and BAM – it all goes to SHIT and then as soon as I finish ovulating, it’s magically delicious again.

And people say “relax” and it will happen. “Stop trying” and then it will happen. NO! See, I have a physical condition that will NEVER allow it to “just happen”. Maybe when I was 20 and weighed 30 pounds less and was still young enough, even with my condition, it maybe could just happen, but not now, not anymore. And I’m just so sick of this – so sick of the trying and the fighting and the begging and pleading with God and the feelings of desperation that get so intense that you question the existence of your faith and your God, and you question your inner strength and wonder if you could even still resist the temptation if the devil himself sat on the edge of your bed and promised you a pregnancy in exchange of your soul.

And I’m sorry if I sound like a raging mad lunatic, but this is my blog and this is how I feel and I’m obviously hormonal thanks to the 100’s of milligrams that I purposely pumped into my body to create this very occurrence, and if you tell me to “relax” or “let go” or anything like that, I may bust a cap in your ass at this point so please tread lightly. I’ll let you know tomorrow how tonight goes. This is it – tonight and tomorrow night and that’s all the chances I get for month # 13 before it’s over and I get to begin the arduous task of building up my hopes for month # 14.