Riding a Harley

As noted yesterday - I was dead on about the PMS - it's CD 1 - period day!!! WOO HOO! I celebrated with a big fat 20oz Coca Cola Classic (I give up caffeine during my luteal phase like a good lil momma should).

Why am I so excited? Well, I had a 32 day cycle! That's miraculous. The onset of today's period is a hilarious story to tell, but first I feel the need to share a tid bit o background for my new friends.

I have PCOS and was told at the age of 22 that I may never bear children. At the time, I was in a sexual relationship with a man that I had no intention of marrying, much less spending more than 3 months with. He was a great friend, but not a good lay AT ALL and definitely not till death do us part. (Don't judge, you know you've had at least one relationship like that.)

Since I had been told I was infertile and had 4 month long irregular cycles anyway, I relied on the pull out method for birth control (and yes people, someone as stupid as me did actually graduate valedictorian. Brains do not = common sense). But I WAS sincerely upset about the infertile verdict because someday I knew I would want to be a mom. Being an uber Christian at the time (yes, uber Christians have pre-marital sex too) I discussed the doctor's visit with my Bible Study Group that very night after the doctor appointment.

The beautiful women of my study group (who of course had no idea I would be having aforementioned pre-marital sex later on that same night!) decided that what I needed was for them to lay their hands on my ovaries and pray for me. So me, being a person who loathes random touch, laid there and let 8 women touch my ovaries and pray over me. And it felt good (not in a creepy way). I mean that I felt something - something spiritual occur. I left that night with my freshly blessed ovaries and had sex.

3 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant, so don't ever try to battle me on the power of prayer, folks and I KNOW that it was that night that it happened because this guy and I didn't do it very often. This is why I know that Luke is such a miracle and I actually don't share that story often.

Fast forward 8 years, and here I am, trying to create life with a man that I love and am actually married to. And I can't.

With the help of Clomid and Metformin - I have finally managed to ovulate for 2 consecutive cycles and both cycles lasted under 40 days - this is huge for me. HUGE. This is the closest I've come all year to the creation of life even being a remote possibility.

I use the OV Watch to help detect my fertile days, and wouldn't you effin know it - the watch said "Fertile Day 1" on the day we evacuated for Gustav - the same day that we spent the next 4 nights sleeping in a king size bed with my 8 year old son. I've done some oogy things in my life, but that's just too oogy for me. So I knew that I had absolutely NOOOOO chance of conceiving this month - but a real and regular cycle is pretty bitchin in and of itself.

Which leads me to lunch. I knew it was coming. When you hit 30 and you've been trying to conceive for a year, you know your body better than you know the alphabet. It was lunch and I had to drop off Luke's football equipment to my mother in law. When I got to her house - there it was.

Here's a small extra piece of info about Sandy before I go on - I believe that tampons are the devil. I. Can. Not. Put. One. In. If I attempt to insert a tampon, I get dizzy and vomit - I have NOOOO idea what my problem is and I know that it's queer and I'm retarded, but I just can't do it so leave me alone and don't make fun of me. If it isn't encased in flesh, it ain't going up there...know what I mean?

So...I had to ask my mother in law for a pad. Of course she didn't have one, seeing that she's almost 60 and had a hysterectomy 20 years ago, so she went digging in Ziggy's sister's room. Nothing but tampons. FRICK FRACK!

I decided to give the tampon a whirl. The room spun and vomit came. (I think in a past life, I was stoned to death with tampon casings or something, because my fear of them is just totally bizarre.)

When I walked out, she asked if I was ok and I told her that I just couldn't do it (strange look ensued) and that I had just stuck some toilet paper in there until I could get back to work where I have a lovely pad in my drawer.

And that's when I made a bad decision...she says, "oh well no no no, don't do that, here I have something...you can use one of Jim's pads." And she hands me a big thick white pad reminiscent of those that I wore in 1991 - you know - the huge mamba jambas that we wore before "thin" or "ultra" came about. See...my father in law had his prostate removed in December of last year, and this pad...this...was a bladder control pad (a Poise pad) because he still "leaks" a bit.

So, I walked out of my mother in laws house with this gigantic Harley of a pad between my legs - my father in law's pad at that! And as I walked out - HE KNEW! She must have gone in the other room and told him. Maybe he's a pad counter and she was making sure he knew why one was missing? I have no idea - but she told him - and he walked out of the room and asked why I was walking so funny and then laughed and went back into the other room.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

So, yes, I got a regular pad on now. I've got my coke. I've got my new watch battery for my OV Watch and a spankin new thermometer, and a whole box of my OWN pads, and here we go guys....who feels like laying their hands on my ovaries in about 2 weeks??