Please Say It'snot Snot!

Baby girl is sounding more and more congested and I'm beginning to worry that my healthy baby luck is running out with this insane weather and dirty people always touching all over her. She's been in day care for 6 weeks and other than the thrush, we've lucked out...I fear my luck is running out. I hear that slight congestion building and worsening and I'm envisioning green snot having to be sucked out, wailing, no sleep, ER running, antibiotic giving HELL.

And it's moments like those where I think, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!?!?! I made it through all this crap with Luke already. Who in their right mind would CHOOSE to do this again? Luke is at an age where you throw Triaminic down his throat and send him off to school with a pack of Kleenex. I did this already. Am I on crack rock for willingly choosing to do it again?

And then it all hits me in waves again. The regret. Yes, friends. Regret. And then after the regret is the guilt, the soul bashing heart wrenching guilt over even thinking about the regret. But that's the truth and it is what it is. I've upped my anti depressant Rx and it still is what it is, so I am guessing that these feelings I'm having could possibly be normal and something that I just need to endure and sort through and deal with.

Being the baby of the family, it makes me wonder...did my mom go through this regret over me? Then the guilt? Then the regret? Then the guilt? Maybe I should ask her. Although with her level of perfection, I seriously doubt she ever felt/thought such things.

When baby girl is on the floor giggling and kicking and cooing and when we're snuggling and she falls asleep on my chest, there is NO regret. None. I did this on purpose and I love it. But no matter how incredibly those moments are, the regret still manages to rear it's ugly head.