Thanksgiving

Since I've been down in the dumps throwing myself a giant pity party for a while now, I figured I would force myself to find some joy and be thankful for everything that I DO have...and I have a lot.

Pretty much, if I went back and sat with 18 year old Sandy, I would tell her that there is only one thing missing from her life and her dreams...that second baby. But everything else, the house, husband, career...all of it is actually here and I live it every single day and still have pity parties.

So lovers, I'm like CDwhatever today and no period, no positive test. I've pouted and cried and wah wah'd all over the house and here I am to say this:

I've decided to bring sexy back!

What does this mean? Well, since the day I went off of birth control, I have gotten progressively further away from...sexy. Everything wonderful about me is now hidden under a fog of failure. I live every day either waiting to ovulate or waiting to get a period. I've succumbed to absolute laziness and sloth every day because I can justify it as...well, I can't bleach the ring around the tub in case I'm pregnant. Or I can't color my hair in case I'm pregnant. Every day i get further from the spunky gal with tons of energy that I once was.

ENOUGH.

Screw New Year's Eve. I'm ready for the resolution now. Tomorrow morning at 5:00am, my 174 pound blubber butt ass that used to be a hot mamma 145 WILL be walking 2 miles and I WILL be thinking positively and I WILL get my sexy back.

I'm tired of waking up hurting every morning physically and being depressed and sad to a point where though I hide it well, I'm not sure if a solid dose of lexapro could knock me out of the ditch I've dug myself into. That's no joke folks. Infertility is a bitch and that bitch can destroy you.

I WILL find joy where I used to find it 15 months ago and I WILL find new joys and damn it to hell, if I can't have another baby then at least I will be enjoying life and loving it again.