Just chill

Well, since I only had actual sex one time during the entire 6 fertile days, my hope to reality ratio is something like 1:100000000000000.

But, I'm unusually ok about it. All of my freaking out and panic and general psychosis that was displayed earlier this week is now gone and I'm just...chill.

I wonder how that happened. I haven't even bought any tests yet - which is very unusual for me by this point, seeing that I am officially in the anxiety laden "dpo" days.

I even had a daiquiri last night...no, make that 2 daiquiris and I just had fun with friends and let loose. In fact, I did something really wild last night. It was the six of us that normally hang out together on weekends lately now - me and Ziggy, Coach and his wife and one other couple. We all piled into Coach's truck, all 6 of us with our daiquiris in hand and drove around with the windows down and the music blaring all singing at the top of our lungs like we were 16 and not 30-something and we went...are you ready?...we went...to Mr. Binky's!!

Oh my goodness, it was wild. For those non-locals, Mr. Binky's is an "adult superstore". Oh yes! A wonderland of fun, not only to purchase, but just to walk around and make general fun of all the weird shit...you know, handing coach the "Fatty Patty" doll because she is just his type of woman, or handing Ziggy a gallon sized vat of "butt butter" for him and his buddies - that type of juvenile fun.

Ziggy and I used to be so much wilder in our younger days. We had a "toy" or two along with a few books on sensual massage (highly recommended) and a few other adult type things, and we used to have great fun. All that ended over the past year as we settled into old married coupledom.

Well, each couple walked out with a bag o goodies and let me tell you, I had the most exciting night with Ziggy that we have had in well over a year. It was really good fun once we got past the initial embarrassment that a year of vanilla reproductive sex can bring.

Why am I sharing this? Well, I made a huge decision after last night. If I am NOT pregnant this month, then I have decided to take the rest of 2008 completely OFF from trying to create life. No watches, no peeing on sticks, no counting days, no pills/potions/herbs, no temping - nada/nothing/zip/zero. Instead, I'm going to try to find my "spark" again with Ziggy and just remember what it was like to have a kick ass time together. I want to use fun stuff again without worrying about the way cool fun tingly lube inhibiting his sperm's ability to swim. I just want to have fun with my husband again, dammit.

13 months ago people warned me that trying to conceive would take all of the joy out of my sex life and I didn't believe them. I thought we would be immune to those problems. I think it happened right from under us, without us even noticing until we got to this place where we are now and are trying to climb out from.

Anywho - kudos to Ziggy for being open minded enough to give it a whirl again (and yes! I'm totally PISSED he didn't come out of his fog last week...but oh well.) And I'm sure that in about 7-10 days, I will begin frantically peeing on HPT's regardless of my aloof attitude today about it. But like I said, one day of sex within 6 fertile days, and the semen I got was 5 day old semen - bah!, my chances are very slim.