Grass

I was never able to give Luke the gift of grass when he was a baby. When I found out that I was pregnant with him, I lived in a tiny efficiency apartment. I moved into a large one bedroom apartment where I remained with Luke until I was able to buy the condo when he was two and a half.

So he never got to be laid down as a baby, tummy down, in his own fresh green fragrant squishy grass. I've always thought that grass must be the most amazing thing for a baby. Even for me now, at the age of 31, I very regularly take off my shoes in my backyard and just - walk. I let my toes squish into the thickness and imagine a whole world underneath my feet.

Of course Ziggy thinks it's strange when I do this, but I just love my yard. It was my one and only demand when we were house hunting. He would be staring at foundations and roofs while I would be searching every window to catch a first glimpse of the yard. We passed up many a house nicer than the one we have now only because the yard was inadequate.

Grass has always amazed me. I guess it may be because I didn't have it as a child. I grew up in an amazing place - a camp out on a lake. My house had shells for a front yard and waves crashing as the backyard. I loved it. But, no grass.

And so it took me 7 years of his life, but I got my son a huge backyard with fence to fence grass and we spend a lot of time out there. It's the first grass for the both of us.

From the first step that I took into the backyard when we first came to view this house, my mind immediately envisioned me gently laying a baby, tummy down, in this backyard. I've envisioned first wobbly steps, and then plops bum down on the green carpet with the sunshine kissing our cheeks while we both giggled. Almost everytime I walk in my backyard I have these dreams.

And then lately, only very recently, new thoughts have been playing in my head. Scary thoughts. Thoughts that I try to push out quickly before they are allowed to take over. But more and more often the thoughts are coming and I'm feeling this serious need to really sit in a quiet place and allow them to come.

And I did, tonight.

The thought is this - I've spent the past 8 years sure that Luke's sibling would come one day and that the only question was "when". The question was always "when" and the dreams were always attainable. And now the "when" is beginning to fade not just into an "if", but all the way to a "won't".

In other words, my mind keeps suddenly telling me that I need to explore the possible reality of Luke's sibling never coming. Not every dream comes true. I know this. And I may be one of those people - one of the ones that I never imagined being, who simply cannot conceive.

And then I look at this great big house that we bought with all the extra rooms that remain empty that we figured we would need for our growing family, and I look at my grass and I'm beginning to think - well, you know.

Luke asked me last week if he could have the front room for a playroom and my first thought was NOOOOO, THAT'S THE BABY'S ROOM! But I smiled and held back the tears and said, "you know what, buddy, that might be a good idea. What color to you think that we should paint it?"