Condoms and cups

There are 4 items sitting on a top shelf of the hutch of my desk. They are a sterile condom, a sterile cup, a pack of birth control pills and a Rx for an antibiotic.

This is THE month. This is the month that we had decided to go full force into fertility testing and treatments. The cup and condom are for Ziggy's sperm analysis and the pills and Rx are for my HSG. Then we planned to do an IUI and injectible cycle in April.

I can't believe I am in that month - the month that we were looking forward to with fear and excitement and stress over money and I JUST remembered that the month is now here.

I went to the items on the desk and fiddled with them. I read the labels on the cup and the condom, looked for the expiration date on the pills. I put them all in my hand to throw them away. But I can't. I'll be 11 weeks on Monday and I just can't. Not yet. I feel sure that the second they hit the bottom of the trash can, that the blood will flow.

I was struck by such a severe sense of humility. We are here. We made it. And it hit me in the hugest flood of emotion - I am not "trying" anymore - I AM now. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to grasp this and how amazing it feels to finally have it?

I don't need these things and yet, I just can't throw them away yet. I told myself at 4 weeks that I would throw them away when we saw the heartbeat. Now I'm saying the 2nd trimester which is so close I can smell it. Once that arrives, I may just box these things up and keep them forever...as a reminder of where we were and how hard we tried and how far we were willing to go so that I will never take this experience for granted.