Yep, I got The Sex. It was feverish, sick sex, so it was probably no good (Dr. Google wouldn't give me definitive answers on a fever's affect on sperm) on top of the fact that now I will probably get sick too, but at least I got the goods! Now if I can get it again tonight, we are set to have a real actual chance this cycle.
On a side note, it was late sex and I'm so tired, because when I woke him up for the sex he decided it was the perfect time to confess something that had happened at work that day.
Ziggy has a long history of work issues, due to being bipolar. Bipolar plus career often do not go hand in hand. This is a topic I may blog about often, so prepare yourself with an open mind and tolerance towards the mentally challenged. He has trouble walking normal lines that normal people can walk. He is immensely brilliant and well educated and can land any job on earth, but he just has problems with rules and the following of those rules.
Fortunately, he has a job now that is very easy on his mental health, which he decided to take advantage of, and he wound up being written up yesterday for coming in late too often and taking 2 hour lunches too often. He's been there for about 4 years total and he's been warned about this often - GAH! He's an ass.
So he is now ashamed and embarrassed and ready to make ammends to the job and to me and please I pray that it's just not too late and that he doesn't get canned because...um...have you noticed the economy lately?
Heart palpatations begin. Prayers commence. Oh and him getting up earlier and taking shorter lunches truly only equals more work for ME! I had to get my own self up a half hour earlier to manage him getting up earlier and get him out the house and make him a brown bag lunch - phooey! I don't mind so much, and it was actually a really nice morning having him up with us and not us up and leaving before he was even up.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Disclaimer
The blog that preceded this one was truly a rant session. I'm not truly going that nuts and I actually feel a bit better just after having it written out - almost as though the writing of it validated the feelings. I don't want the Internet to deem me as totally bonkers in my first month of blogging!
You all are amazing and I truly thank you for the amazing support that you've shown me just minutes after posting the rant entry. Thank you thank you and of course I will update everyone tomorrow on whether or not I get a piece of ass tonight!
You all are amazing and I truly thank you for the amazing support that you've shown me just minutes after posting the rant entry. Thank you thank you and of course I will update everyone tomorrow on whether or not I get a piece of ass tonight!
The Devil Came Down to Louisiana
Last night was night # 1 in our new (used) mattress set. I’m not sure if it was just the new bed or if it was the spirit of Lan (previous owner of bed, who is probably going to laugh, and then hit me at the fictional name chosen for her) that was infiltrating my brain, but I had two WILD dreams last night and both were so real and so vivid that I woke up confused.
Dream # 2 had to do with me becoming a lesbian and while it is very fun and probably much more entertaining than Dream # 1, I feel like talking about dream # 1 so that’s what we’re going to do.
Dream # 1 – I dreamt that I had a blog troll who left a comment on my blog telling me that the reason that I have not gotten pregnant yet is because I have no faith in God and that I’m a hypocrite and I’ll never get pregnant unless I commit my life to God and stop being a terrible sinner. It was a horrible mad comment and I remember seeing it as a whole paragraph and actually reading it and I remember everything it said.
I do know a possible reason for this dream occurring. A fellow football mom gave me a book called something like Supernatural Childbirth (I think that’s the title) and there is a specific chapter in there that begins on page 108 that is an entire 3 to 4 page long prayer to God regarding conception and being “barren”. I figured that I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point, and I do believe in the power of God, so I read the prayer last night before bed. I remember thinking while reading it that God would never bless me because I’m not good enough and I suck and I’m bad and blah blah blah, but I read the prayer anyway and I’m guessing this is where this dream originated.
Tonight is THE MOST FERTILE NIGHT OF THIS CYCLE and my damn husband just emailed me this mamby pamby email that he is getting sick and thinks he has a sinus infection and wah wah wah and DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so damn sick of this bullshit. I pump massive amounts of artificial hormones into my body, monitor my body all month long, fret over everything I put in my mouth, and ALL I ASK OF HIM is to have sex on 3 or 4 nights that I need him to, and I swear that every single month, there is something that prevents us from having sex during the most important days and I swear to GOD that if he doesn’t do it tonight I very well may have an actual truly really REAL nervous breakdown.
Last cycle, there was that little ole fucker named Gustav that ruined it for us. The cycle before that was Ziggy’s end of quarter at work and he was stressed and working 70 hour weeks and collapsing by time he got home. The cycle before that, my sister was put on bed rest and living with us and it’s really hard to have boom boom when you’re up getting ice chips all night long and your bed ridden sister is in a room down the hall. Oh I can keep going…EVERY cycle has been SOMETHING. Everything will be fine and then Ovulation week comes and BAM – it all goes to SHIT and then as soon as I finish ovulating, it’s magically delicious again.
And people say “relax” and it will happen. “Stop trying” and then it will happen. NO! See, I have a physical condition that will NEVER allow it to “just happen”. Maybe when I was 20 and weighed 30 pounds less and was still young enough, even with my condition, it maybe could just happen, but not now, not anymore. And I’m just so sick of this – so sick of the trying and the fighting and the begging and pleading with God and the feelings of desperation that get so intense that you question the existence of your faith and your God, and you question your inner strength and wonder if you could even still resist the temptation if the devil himself sat on the edge of your bed and promised you a pregnancy in exchange of your soul.
And I’m sorry if I sound like a raging mad lunatic, but this is my blog and this is how I feel and I’m obviously hormonal thanks to the 100’s of milligrams that I purposely pumped into my body to create this very occurrence, and if you tell me to “relax” or “let go” or anything like that, I may bust a cap in your ass at this point so please tread lightly. I’ll let you know tomorrow how tonight goes. This is it – tonight and tomorrow night and that’s all the chances I get for month # 13 before it’s over and I get to begin the arduous task of building up my hopes for month # 14.
Dream # 2 had to do with me becoming a lesbian and while it is very fun and probably much more entertaining than Dream # 1, I feel like talking about dream # 1 so that’s what we’re going to do.
Dream # 1 – I dreamt that I had a blog troll who left a comment on my blog telling me that the reason that I have not gotten pregnant yet is because I have no faith in God and that I’m a hypocrite and I’ll never get pregnant unless I commit my life to God and stop being a terrible sinner. It was a horrible mad comment and I remember seeing it as a whole paragraph and actually reading it and I remember everything it said.
I do know a possible reason for this dream occurring. A fellow football mom gave me a book called something like Supernatural Childbirth (I think that’s the title) and there is a specific chapter in there that begins on page 108 that is an entire 3 to 4 page long prayer to God regarding conception and being “barren”. I figured that I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point, and I do believe in the power of God, so I read the prayer last night before bed. I remember thinking while reading it that God would never bless me because I’m not good enough and I suck and I’m bad and blah blah blah, but I read the prayer anyway and I’m guessing this is where this dream originated.
Tonight is THE MOST FERTILE NIGHT OF THIS CYCLE and my damn husband just emailed me this mamby pamby email that he is getting sick and thinks he has a sinus infection and wah wah wah and DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so damn sick of this bullshit. I pump massive amounts of artificial hormones into my body, monitor my body all month long, fret over everything I put in my mouth, and ALL I ASK OF HIM is to have sex on 3 or 4 nights that I need him to, and I swear that every single month, there is something that prevents us from having sex during the most important days and I swear to GOD that if he doesn’t do it tonight I very well may have an actual truly really REAL nervous breakdown.
Last cycle, there was that little ole fucker named Gustav that ruined it for us. The cycle before that was Ziggy’s end of quarter at work and he was stressed and working 70 hour weeks and collapsing by time he got home. The cycle before that, my sister was put on bed rest and living with us and it’s really hard to have boom boom when you’re up getting ice chips all night long and your bed ridden sister is in a room down the hall. Oh I can keep going…EVERY cycle has been SOMETHING. Everything will be fine and then Ovulation week comes and BAM – it all goes to SHIT and then as soon as I finish ovulating, it’s magically delicious again.
And people say “relax” and it will happen. “Stop trying” and then it will happen. NO! See, I have a physical condition that will NEVER allow it to “just happen”. Maybe when I was 20 and weighed 30 pounds less and was still young enough, even with my condition, it maybe could just happen, but not now, not anymore. And I’m just so sick of this – so sick of the trying and the fighting and the begging and pleading with God and the feelings of desperation that get so intense that you question the existence of your faith and your God, and you question your inner strength and wonder if you could even still resist the temptation if the devil himself sat on the edge of your bed and promised you a pregnancy in exchange of your soul.
And I’m sorry if I sound like a raging mad lunatic, but this is my blog and this is how I feel and I’m obviously hormonal thanks to the 100’s of milligrams that I purposely pumped into my body to create this very occurrence, and if you tell me to “relax” or “let go” or anything like that, I may bust a cap in your ass at this point so please tread lightly. I’ll let you know tomorrow how tonight goes. This is it – tonight and tomorrow night and that’s all the chances I get for month # 13 before it’s over and I get to begin the arduous task of building up my hopes for month # 14.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
My new enemy, Charley
For about the past month now, I have woken up 5 out of 7 nights with excruciating Charley Horses in my calves...sometimes just one calf and sometimes both. I cannot pin point the reason.
According to Dr. Google, these occur either from dehydration or lack of potassium. I checked my vitamins - they contain 100% of the daily recommended value for potassium, so I'm good there. I drink ALOT and I actually drink a lot of water or water-esque drinks. I looked up my Rx's (metformin and Clomid) and I can't find anything about either one causing Charley Horses or causing a potassium deficiency.
I'm perplexed. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Old wives tales? Miracle tonics? Assvice? I'm open ears!
Other than that, all is quiet on the homefront - I have ALOT of chores to accomplish before my son returns from his dad's house, including setting up the Halloween white trash lawn ornaments that he has begged for us to buy for two years...we bought them this weekend to surprise him. So I'm just all over the place.
I've had no chance of truly creating life this cycle just yet - Ziggy had the anxiety problem last night and after a half hour I was just too tired to keep going so we quit for the night. SOOOOO frustrating. EVERY ovulation week is exactly like this and then he's perfect for the entire rest of the month. However, it was a really good time and we actually bonded and talked for a while after (I cried) and it was a nice evening anyway (*note-NOT easy to find bright sides in this*)
According to the OV Watch manual, I had a 13% chance if we had sex last night and then I have a 13% chance today, a 28% chance tomorrow, a 26% chance on Tuesday and then a 5% chance on Wednesday (actual ovulation day). So I'm not out - not by a long shot - yet - but dang it, if I could just get a shot or two of the good stuff in there, I sure would be feeling much more hopeful.
Last night's all you can eat bbq and cabbage ball was a bust. The "all you can eat bbq" turned out to be a few hamburgers that were gone by time we arrived, because Ziggy forces us to be fashionably late everywhere we go - he's a total chic. So we had to eat weiners. The cabbageball turned out to be volleyball, and my crush, Coach, was fighting with his wife, and decided to just get drunk and hang out with other Coaches. Truly no fun was to be had.
So bring on the Charley Horse suggestions if you have any and please keep on keeping on with the conception prayers/vibes/chants - whatever you've got.
According to Dr. Google, these occur either from dehydration or lack of potassium. I checked my vitamins - they contain 100% of the daily recommended value for potassium, so I'm good there. I drink ALOT and I actually drink a lot of water or water-esque drinks. I looked up my Rx's (metformin and Clomid) and I can't find anything about either one causing Charley Horses or causing a potassium deficiency.
I'm perplexed. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Old wives tales? Miracle tonics? Assvice? I'm open ears!
Other than that, all is quiet on the homefront - I have ALOT of chores to accomplish before my son returns from his dad's house, including setting up the Halloween white trash lawn ornaments that he has begged for us to buy for two years...we bought them this weekend to surprise him. So I'm just all over the place.
I've had no chance of truly creating life this cycle just yet - Ziggy had the anxiety problem last night and after a half hour I was just too tired to keep going so we quit for the night. SOOOOO frustrating. EVERY ovulation week is exactly like this and then he's perfect for the entire rest of the month. However, it was a really good time and we actually bonded and talked for a while after (I cried) and it was a nice evening anyway (*note-NOT easy to find bright sides in this*)
According to the OV Watch manual, I had a 13% chance if we had sex last night and then I have a 13% chance today, a 28% chance tomorrow, a 26% chance on Tuesday and then a 5% chance on Wednesday (actual ovulation day). So I'm not out - not by a long shot - yet - but dang it, if I could just get a shot or two of the good stuff in there, I sure would be feeling much more hopeful.
Last night's all you can eat bbq and cabbage ball was a bust. The "all you can eat bbq" turned out to be a few hamburgers that were gone by time we arrived, because Ziggy forces us to be fashionably late everywhere we go - he's a total chic. So we had to eat weiners. The cabbageball turned out to be volleyball, and my crush, Coach, was fighting with his wife, and decided to just get drunk and hang out with other Coaches. Truly no fun was to be had.
So bring on the Charley Horse suggestions if you have any and please keep on keeping on with the conception prayers/vibes/chants - whatever you've got.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Oh WOW!
YOU SEE THAT????
Not only is it Fertile Day 1, but it's also ONLY CD12!!! The very earliest that I have EVER ovulated is CD20 - oh happy day!!
Now, here comes the hard part - the sex. As usual, my husband and I had tons o sex over the past couple weeks and he's been in a fabulous mood and life was grand. Now I wake up to this, and he, as usual, has A LOT going on right now that could prevent the Sex.
I can't go into much detail because I have a house to clean right now and should be cleaning, but please just keep on praying, chanting or whatever it is you've been doing for me, because it is obviously working. I need the Sex as much as possible over the next 4 days and it may take quite the effort on my part to seduce my husband. I don't have one of those men who will screw when the wind blows up their shorts - my husband requires some skill in the fine art of coercion, particularly if he finds out that my watch says what it says. He must be woo'd without it appearing desperate. He must feel like he suddenly married a nympho without putting two and two together and realizing that I am just lusting for his seed.
In other words - my husband will have the sex passionately IF he has no notion that it is for reproduction purposes. And it's not that he doesn't want a baby - he wants one more than I do on most days. It's that once he knows it is for reproduction, something in his head overtakes him and he just can't do it. The doctor says it's performance anxiety and I just say that it's maddening!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Self Love leads to problems...
I'm going to have so much free time at work to sit and stare at ceilings that I don't know what to do! Some jack ass was busted in the act of self-love whilst admiring online porn and now my company is taking the internet away from the masses...totally. We will all have "approved" websites that we can visit, and I'm positive that my blog, MySpace, Twitter, TWW and all of your wonderfully entertaining blogs will NOT be in the approved list. BAH!!
I've worked there for almost 10 years and this isn't the first time they've done something rash like this - it's kind of like the "no eating at your desk rule". *inserts cookie into mouth while sitting at desk* See what I mean? So in a few months, I'm sure you'll see me more often during working hours - I just have to lay low for a while to keep up appearances that I am an extraordinary employee.
Luke won his real season football game last night - 12 to 7. :-)
My secret crush is still on with the possibility of great fun updates this weekend - it's the annual all you can eat bbq and cabbageball event at the playground! Just the theme alone leads me to believe that it shall be a raucous occasion! Nothing like a bunch of rednecks and beer and bbq and cabbageball to bring out the wild in everyone! Other than that, contact has been minimal, particularly since I don't purposefully seek him out and most of the time, he's just the kid's coach and I'm the kid's mom.
He and my husband plotted together this week to put my son's helmet stickers on upside down on purpose to see if they could get a rise out of me, because that is something that normally would aggravate me enough to confront the coach about. That's what they do - they plot together to see if they can push me over the edge - like 2nd graders! The joke was on them though because I was too tired that evening to even care and I just ignored them (see Clomid Haze).
Oh and did I mention that I got tickled last weekend by Coach? Um, yeah, I was standing in a door way and he came up behind me and gave me a solid tickle on his way out the door. It was one of those quick side tickles and nothing to write home about - BUT - I have thumb print bruises on both of my love handles! AH! (disclaimer - I bruise extremely easy, so the smallest tickle has always given me bruises) Ziggy asked what happened and I told him that he "must have been grippin on too hard the other night". And then he beamed with a look of male pride and made a gorilla noise and everyone was happy. Men are such simple creatures and I love him.
Our O days are a little more than a week away - so please keep up the prayers and good vibes! I've been having these daytime fantasies about how I would tell Ziggy that I was pregnant and how wonderful of a father he will be - and I just hate to even say this, but I have this great feeling about this month.
Randomness:
A lady came to the ballpark last night in rhinestone studded jeans and a hot pink rhinestone studded tank top and 100 pounds of makeup. She sat and drank beer from a styrofoam cup and smoked cigarettes and said the "F" word ALL night. So why couldn't I stop staring at her? Well, honestly, she was remarkably gorgeous - not make up gorgeous - but really really gorgeous - I mean just absolutely stunning from head to toe even beyond the nastiness. I felt so mad at her. If I was 10% as gorgeous as she was, I surely wouldn't dress/act/talk like trash. What a waste, and it made me so sad that she felt that she needed to look/dress/act like that to be beautiful when she already was so so gorgeous.
I've worked there for almost 10 years and this isn't the first time they've done something rash like this - it's kind of like the "no eating at your desk rule". *inserts cookie into mouth while sitting at desk* See what I mean? So in a few months, I'm sure you'll see me more often during working hours - I just have to lay low for a while to keep up appearances that I am an extraordinary employee.
Luke won his real season football game last night - 12 to 7. :-)
My secret crush is still on with the possibility of great fun updates this weekend - it's the annual all you can eat bbq and cabbageball event at the playground! Just the theme alone leads me to believe that it shall be a raucous occasion! Nothing like a bunch of rednecks and beer and bbq and cabbageball to bring out the wild in everyone! Other than that, contact has been minimal, particularly since I don't purposefully seek him out and most of the time, he's just the kid's coach and I'm the kid's mom.
He and my husband plotted together this week to put my son's helmet stickers on upside down on purpose to see if they could get a rise out of me, because that is something that normally would aggravate me enough to confront the coach about. That's what they do - they plot together to see if they can push me over the edge - like 2nd graders! The joke was on them though because I was too tired that evening to even care and I just ignored them (see Clomid Haze).
Oh and did I mention that I got tickled last weekend by Coach? Um, yeah, I was standing in a door way and he came up behind me and gave me a solid tickle on his way out the door. It was one of those quick side tickles and nothing to write home about - BUT - I have thumb print bruises on both of my love handles! AH! (disclaimer - I bruise extremely easy, so the smallest tickle has always given me bruises) Ziggy asked what happened and I told him that he "must have been grippin on too hard the other night". And then he beamed with a look of male pride and made a gorilla noise and everyone was happy. Men are such simple creatures and I love him.
Our O days are a little more than a week away - so please keep up the prayers and good vibes! I've been having these daytime fantasies about how I would tell Ziggy that I was pregnant and how wonderful of a father he will be - and I just hate to even say this, but I have this great feeling about this month.
Randomness:
A lady came to the ballpark last night in rhinestone studded jeans and a hot pink rhinestone studded tank top and 100 pounds of makeup. She sat and drank beer from a styrofoam cup and smoked cigarettes and said the "F" word ALL night. So why couldn't I stop staring at her? Well, honestly, she was remarkably gorgeous - not make up gorgeous - but really really gorgeous - I mean just absolutely stunning from head to toe even beyond the nastiness. I felt so mad at her. If I was 10% as gorgeous as she was, I surely wouldn't dress/act/talk like trash. What a waste, and it made me so sad that she felt that she needed to look/dress/act like that to be beautiful when she already was so so gorgeous.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Clomid Haze
Forgive me for not posting - I've been in my Clomid Haze. Last night was my last dose for this month - you know - I just swallow the pills for shits and giggles because seeing them actually assist me in getting knocked up seems more ludicrous with each passing month.
Anywho, during the 5 days that I actually take the Clomid, I go into this weird fog of a world - not much matters to me, but everything (EVERYTHING) annoys me. I'm needy and yet want to be left alone and I'm sad, yet ridiculously bouncy. It's annoying to me, so I have to imagine that it's downright maddening to those around me.
If you have any prayers or angels or voodoo magic (we're not choosy!) that you would like to lend or extend on behalf of our reproductive organs, Ziggy and I would greatly appreciate it.
In the meantime, the only other thing going on is football, football and then a little more football. Luke has either practice or a game for 5 straight days which means that our greasy bodies are running on a diet of corn dogs, spagetti-O's, pizza rolls, McDonalds and whatever else is fast and quick and gets us out the door. Luke actually eats the healthiest right now since I pack his lunches full of good things - but beyond his lunch, we are just gross this week.
And so here I sit - still pissy and moody from the Clomid and fat and greasy with bad food gassiness. But life is good and who knows, maybe October will be our lucky/blessed month!
Anywho, during the 5 days that I actually take the Clomid, I go into this weird fog of a world - not much matters to me, but everything (EVERYTHING) annoys me. I'm needy and yet want to be left alone and I'm sad, yet ridiculously bouncy. It's annoying to me, so I have to imagine that it's downright maddening to those around me.
If you have any prayers or angels or voodoo magic (we're not choosy!) that you would like to lend or extend on behalf of our reproductive organs, Ziggy and I would greatly appreciate it.
In the meantime, the only other thing going on is football, football and then a little more football. Luke has either practice or a game for 5 straight days which means that our greasy bodies are running on a diet of corn dogs, spagetti-O's, pizza rolls, McDonalds and whatever else is fast and quick and gets us out the door. Luke actually eats the healthiest right now since I pack his lunches full of good things - but beyond his lunch, we are just gross this week.
And so here I sit - still pissy and moody from the Clomid and fat and greasy with bad food gassiness. But life is good and who knows, maybe October will be our lucky/blessed month!
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