Waiting sucks and crazy husbands

I can't believe that I have TWO! MORE! WEEKS! to wait before seeing the doctor again...well, 13 days, but who's counting?

Helloooo little one? You ok in there?

I broke down and weighed today and I was pleasantly surprised. While I can't button ANY of my pants AT ALL anymore and my boobs are now officially DD's, I've only gained 1.5 pounds in the 5 and 1/2 weeks that I've known I was pregnant.

That's rather astonishing - I thought that it would be about 10 from the fit of my pants. However, I am still in all of my normal shirts, just can't button me pants, so I guess that whole belly popping out faster for the second kid is no lie.

Ziggy saw Dr. Awesomeness again today (he's gotten a "ness" added to his name for the most recent awesomeness he displayed). This is Ziggy's bipolar cocktail:

In the morning he takes 60mg of Cymbalta, 450mg of Lithium, 70mg of Vyvanse, a GNC Mega Man multi vitamin and a triple strength fish oil capsule that is about as huge as my thumb (new studies show major promise with fish oil and bipolar).

Then in the pm he takes another 450mg of Lithium, 300mg of Lithium, a 5mg of Abilify and another multi vitamin (it's a two pill dose, so I break it up).

Yes, so this is EVERY DAY of his life. His meds alone after insurance cost us $220 a month. However, I've known my husband for almost 10 years now and this is absolutely the MOST mentally healthy and stable that I have ever seen him and for that I am so grateful. He is alert and active and participating in life and family. He isn't yelling at everyone and everything, he isn't yelling at news anchors on TV (as much). It's just as close to the word "normal" as we've ever been.

So Hooray for Dr. Awesomeness.

He's still a crazy ass nut though - he actually just walked in the office a minute ago and reminded me that "We really need to start buying guns and gold, baby, guns and gold. The South WILL rise again and we need to be prepared." This was said in his best redneck voice while standing in his underwear. Yes, he's hot, he's medicated, he's nuts and he's all mine.

Lan

Dear Lan,

I've felt compelled to write this all day long today. Blame pregnancy hormones. Blame the season changing here in New Orleans and memories flooding in. Blame jackturd boss who is too busy for me lately and Forman for deserting me for a fancy office at the movie studio. Blame what you will, but I'm feeling weepy and nostalgic this evening.

I can't imagine the things that you are facing and battling and nothing that I can say can make it better or ease the worry and fears. I KNOW that it will get better sooner than later, but it's shitty for me to even suggest that when the silver lining seems so far away.

I miss you terribly, dear woman. Terribly. I hate to see you in such a sad place where you feel that you would be a burden to me. PASHAW! No such thing.

Anyway, here is the meat and potatoes. There is a song that makes me think of you and ALWAYS has since I first met you. It's totally corny but for some reason whenever I hear this song, I think of no one but you. Perhaps it is because of how fabulous you look in this color. Perhaps it is the brightness that you added to my life in the time that you were here. I've thought of sharing this with you for ages and was always too embarrassed to do it.

Well no more. Here it is. This is your song in my eyes and if I could sing better than a Croaker on a fishing hook, I would sing it for you.

Yellow - Cold Play

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you

So I had to do that, and when my hormones shift in an hour, I may totally feel like a wierd creepy stalker and wish that I had never been such a pansy, but for now I feel that you'll know my intentions and hopefully feel all warm and cozy inside.

Feel better, Lan. Feel some hope. You will come out on top!

I'm going blind

Bear with me folks if you encounter any typos or misspellings in this post. You see, dear friends, I am currently going blind. I remember once reading that blurred vision can be a symptom of pregnancy and it appears to have hit me in full force...with one exception...mine only occurs after 9:00pm.

So strangley enough, I go all day being able to see normally and then BAM, 9:00pm hits and I can't see a damn thing. At first I thought it could be my contacts as I have a bad habit of wearing my two weeks disposables for like 20 weeks because I forget when I put them in.

Nope, that wasn't it. My eyes are still horribly creamy and blurry as soon as 9:00pm hits. I've begged Dr. Google for answers and the Internet Search Gods seem to agree that what I am experiencing is a very valid pregnancy symptom, albeit a rare one particularly this early on.

After 9:00pm I can't do anything really except sleep because the blurriness just begins to totally piss me the hell off to a point where I'd rather just go to sleep than deal with it.

Boo on blindness - so whatever I am typing by looking at the keyboard is exactly what is getting posted because I can only make out fuzz on the monitor.

What else is going on? Well, Luke is sleeping out at his BFF's house tonight which is so cool and neato that he has hit this age where real friendships that he'll treasure all his life can possibly be beginning and I get to witness that and even help foster it with hopefully the right friends.

Ziggy is totally turned on by pregnancy to a point where I am having to hide my body parts from him lest he attack me and squash me with his own 7 month pregnant belly. I love the man but give me a break already...it's like he's 16 all of a sudden. While I'm utterly flattered by his new interest in me, I'm so tired and gross feeling most of the time that it's so hard to give in and do it - but I'm being a good wifey and trying as much as possible for him.

Octomom disgusts me and I'm so proud of my little Bobby Jindal! Bobby, I didn't vote for you, but I'm so proud of you anyway. Who would have ever thought that the up and rising Republican hero could possibly come from Louisiana...and there you have my first hint at my political affiliations...I won't go any further into that but to say that I'm so proud of our Bobby, because I don't believe in forcefeeding my political beliefs on friends until they gag....like some of my other friends do. I'm just saying is all.

Scared

Disclaimer - if you reply to this post with the words "relax" or any combination of that type of tom foolery then you can just suck me.

Now then, where was I? I'm scared to death lately that the baby is dead. After weeks of blood tests almost every 48 hours and ultrasounds every two weeks, this 4 week wait between OB appointments is murder.

There is no way on earth for me to know that the baby is alive and well and growing. I can't listen to a heart beat, I can't feel a movement, there's no chance of watching a pee stick darkening progression anymore and since I hit week 8, many of my symptoms are chillaxing and I am freaking out.

I know that my chances after hearing the heartbeat lay in the 3% - 5% range, but what about those poor tiny percenters - obviously they DO exist and I could be one of them.

YES I am trying to think positive and I'm able to accomplish it most of the time - but then - usually at night, I start getting really sad and scared that the baby has died and is just lying around in a fruitless void waiting for a doctor to figure it out and remove it.

There is not much comfort to be found especially not in my dreams where I seem to encounter bleeding and loss at least twice a week.

So that's where I am. Dearest tiny soul, please, you are SOOOO loved, my God, you are so loved. Please be strong and growing for us - especially for your daddy because he loves you so much that it brings tears to my eyes to imagine his life without you.

Things you will never hear...

Things you will never hear during this pregnancy:

1.) "I'm so sick that I can't even eat anything". (I can fight nausea for pizza rolls like a champion.)

2.) "I LOST weight in my first trimester". (I gained 60 pounds for Luke and I enjoyed every french fry that created him. I've chosen from appointment # 1 to not even look at the scale and I haven't yet. Pregnancy weight numbers only stress you out and make you worry...if something is askew, I feel confident that my doctor will bring it up and I don't need to know the rest.)

3.) "Check out my belly pic". (Sorry, I don't do em and though I hoorah for those who do that I truly love and respect as friends/family...I really don't particularly like seeing them either. I took one belly pic at the very end for Luke and I never regretted not taking them more often, or sharing them with friends and family.)

4.) "I love being pregnant". (While I am THRILLED to be here and humble and a million times grateful, it doesn't mean that I enjoy it. The best part is that special time when you feel the baby move...the rest is not so fun and I'm already getting anxious to "get back in shape" and get back on the pill which will help my PCOS ass in so many ways that I haven't experienced in almost 2 years that I can pee my pants just imagining it.)

5.) "Let me tell you my birth plan." (God laughs at plans and I've known this all my life...my first delivery was so far from my actual birth plan that now I just plan to go in expecting a baby at the end and not caring about how that end result comes about at all.)

6.) "The baby is moving, come touch my belly." (The ONLY people who will ever hear that is Ziggy, Luke, my mother and Lan. I am intensely private with my bod and while I respect people's fascination with pregnancy, I'm considering a t-shirt that says BACK OFF.)

Now don't get me wrong - I'm totally in love with this person growing inside of me - totally in love. And I am so thrilled of the gift that it will bring to my entire family. I'm just me.

Welcome to the world

My ex-husband and his wife are bringing Luke's baby sister into the world, right now, as we speak, in a hospital right down the street.

It's funny how having my own growing embryo has finally helped me to not only accept that SHE is birthing Luke's sibling first, but has actually made me happy and excited for the both of them and for Luke.

I remember the day that Luke called me to tell me that Ms. Jennifer was pregnant. I was paying bills at the kitchen table on a Saturday when he called from his dad's house. I kept my composure until we hung up and choked back the tears and then cried hysterically for almost an hour on Ziggy's arm. It was supposed to be ME that gave Luke his first sibling, and I felt as though she was personally robbing me of my rights as Luke's mom.

I know that it sounds silly now that I felt that strongly, but when you've tried to conceive for over a year and your ex-husband's wife can create life in only 3 cycles - you get a little nuts. OK?

I actually think that I made ammends with it before I actually got my own embryo - but maybe I didn't and it's just easy to say that now. I'm not too sure.

Anyway, as we speak, she is coming into this world and I am completely honest when I say that I am happy and I feel blessed that our family, in a weird definition of the word "family", is expanding.

Date Change

Well...I got to up my ticker by 3 whole days! In today's ultrasound, I measured 7 weeks and 3 days. I was able to see the baby's heart beat and even hear it!

I'm at work, so I have to run - but I just had to put this info in here!