Scared

Disclaimer - if you reply to this post with the words "relax" or any combination of that type of tom foolery then you can just suck me.

Now then, where was I? I'm scared to death lately that the baby is dead. After weeks of blood tests almost every 48 hours and ultrasounds every two weeks, this 4 week wait between OB appointments is murder.

There is no way on earth for me to know that the baby is alive and well and growing. I can't listen to a heart beat, I can't feel a movement, there's no chance of watching a pee stick darkening progression anymore and since I hit week 8, many of my symptoms are chillaxing and I am freaking out.

I know that my chances after hearing the heartbeat lay in the 3% - 5% range, but what about those poor tiny percenters - obviously they DO exist and I could be one of them.

YES I am trying to think positive and I'm able to accomplish it most of the time - but then - usually at night, I start getting really sad and scared that the baby has died and is just lying around in a fruitless void waiting for a doctor to figure it out and remove it.

There is not much comfort to be found especially not in my dreams where I seem to encounter bleeding and loss at least twice a week.

So that's where I am. Dearest tiny soul, please, you are SOOOO loved, my God, you are so loved. Please be strong and growing for us - especially for your daddy because he loves you so much that it brings tears to my eyes to imagine his life without you.