Irony

When I found out that I was pregnant with Luke, I would be totally lying if I told you that I never not once hoped to miscarry. Judge me how you will, but I think that is a very raw honest thought of many a woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

I was 21, living in an efficiency apartment, making $8.25 an hour and the guy that I created this life with was just my buddy.

So yes, the thought crossed my mind - that life would be so much easier and so less petrifying if this whole thing just ended. Since I am empahtically pro life, that was my only choice.

Then, a few weeks later, I started bleeding when I peed. Ex Husband drove me to the hospital while I shook uncontrollably like a leaf and could do nothing but chant over and over again, "Please God No, Please God NO".

When faced with the blood, my instincts kicked in and fighting for this tiny life was all I wanted to do.

Turns out it was kidney stones causing the bleeding and that is another story for another day. Here he is, 8 years old, and a total shit most days - but I love him, God I love him.

My blood test results were delivered to me today by the doctor herself, which is never a good sign I've learned. Happy news comes from Vivian, the nurse. Bad news comes from the doctor herself.

The bad news is the my beta was only 14 and my progesterone was only 13.3. She feared miscarriage or "chemical pregnancy" as they call it when it is this early. And so, off I go tomorrow to have a second beta and see where my numbers have gotten me.

I've felt every emotion today on earth from joy at hearing that YES YES YES I AM PREGNANT and a medical professional actually confirmed it, to fear and frustration to panic and peace. What a mess.

Of course I will let you know the results. She said that I should hear from her by 10:00am on Thursday with the results. Please God! PLEASE!

All I can do now is rest and pray. The rest is up to God.